Sell-Sword Nurseries and Warlock Professors
by Shadow-StrikeRaven
Summary: Merlin is kidnapped by sell-swords and is subject to their rants about their plans. Yet again. But this time? He honestly cannot be bother with it all. The result? BAMF!Merlin, lecturing on manners, terrified sell-swords, stunned knights and a sheepish king. Yup, another of my one-shot mild(?)Crack!Reveals. Requested by vampireharry the 2.


**_"What about Merlin gets captured by the enemy to lure Arthur into a trap and when Arthur and the Knights come to rescue him he's like "No. I am tired of this sh*t! Arthur and the Knights are in danger, AGAIN, I'm tired and in pain and just no. No more." It'll be funnier if they kidnap him while he was in bed sleeping. I hope you like this! :D"  
_****vampireharry the 2**

**Well, I loved the idea of this, and had a couple of ideas about it, but eventually, my muse spouted this out. Hope you all enjoy!**

* * *

ENOUGH!

"I cannot believe this." Merlin cursed, sighing as he finally managed to fully open his eyes, ignoring the building headache, and take in what was going on around him.  
"I _honestly_ cannot believe this." He muttered again.  
He was trussed up in some unknown camp. Again.  
He was overhearing a conversation about a trap for Arthur. Again.  
He had been taken-most likely by being whacked across the head- whilst napping against a tree as he fed the horses. Agai- Okay, maybe not those _exact _circumstances, but he had still been kidnapped. Again.  
And his head hurt from where he had been bludgeoned. Again.  
Like really hurt.  
Like, seriously, it was getting worse and he just knew that he would end up 'accidentally' smashing a branch across one of these morons heads simply because they interrupted his sleep.  
He liked his sleep.  
He liked it a lot.  
Especially as he hardly ever managed to get any. Which made interrupting his sleep even more of a criminal offence in his eyes.  
Now he knew he would have to wait till Arthur and the other couple of bumbling, metal stick wielding, armour clad, thundering buffoons decided to wake their lazy asses up, notice he was gone and come blundering to the rescue. Then he would have to subtly knock out half of the enemy without raising suspicion (because if nothing odd happened to aid in Arthur's random missions, then it would be considered even more suspicious.)  
Okay, maybe he was being unfair in his appraisal of the others skills, but damnit, his head hurt!

Even more so now that some random masked guy, most likely the leader of this-rather pathetic if he had to say so himself- group of moronic, suicidal (well come on, when had attacking Arthur ever gone well for them? True, they didn't know that Merlin himself was behind all their failures, but the point still stood) sell swords, telling him their plans to use him as bait to lure Arthur and the knights into a trap.

Merlin couldn't hold in an exasperated sigh, even as he caught sight of several glints of silver in the surrounding bushes. Armour.  
Huh... Not too shabby a time if he was honest with himself. Then again, it looked to be about mid-morning. So they clearly enjoyed a lovely little lie-in as he was trussed up(he decided to conveniently forget that he had been unconscious/sleeping most of the time).  
He blinked as his attention was drawn back to the sell sword in front of him, who was still ranting about his plans.  
Merlin sighed.  
Any time now guys...  
Several moments past and nothing happened.  
Any second now...  
Several more moments.  
Guys?  
No movement.  
Merlin finally scowled.  
Well, to hell with this.  
Merlin snapped his head around to the guy with the terribly monotonous voice and flailing arms and glared at him.  
The man shut up.  
Really quickly.  
Like '_Even Gwen and Gaius combined would be impressed with the glare'_ quickly.  
_

Arthur and the knights, who were still debating the best course of action noticed the silence, and Gwaine grinned, nudging Arthur.  
"Let's just sit back and watch the scrawny git deal with it, shall we?"  
They all looked at him, incredulous, till several dots seemed to connect in Percival's head and he grinned.  
"Oh, I think this is gonna be good..."  
Arthur scoffed.  
"Please, the clumsy idiot couldn't even..." Then he heard Merlin start speaking and his mouth snapped shut. "I have an idea. Let's see if the scrawny git can deal with it, shall we?"  
_

Merlin smirked as the man in front of him was rendered speechless by the death glare.  
He;d been working on it for months now. It was nice to finally get a chance to field test it.  
"Well finally. Seriously, do you people never shut up? You just blab on and on and on and it's so bloody repetitive! '_We are setting a trap for Arthur Pendragon! He will trigger it and we shall capture him and sell him to our employer! _Insert name here, most commonly Morgana_._"  
Merlin snorted as he snapped the ropes around him with nothing more than a flash of gold in his eyes and got to his feet, straightening his neckerchief, before turning back on the men who were now frozen with gaping mouths.  
"Oh please, you cannot honestly think that Arthur got through all those other traps unscathed through sheer dumb luck? Please. He may be good, but he's not that good. Hey! Did I say you could leave!?"  
This was in response to most of them finally breaking free of their shock to attempt to leg it into the trees.  
Merlin pouted as he used his magic to reel them back in with a dozen invisible ropes and plonk them down in front of him.  
"I wasn't finished. Do you mind!? No? Good. Now seriously, the odd falling branches? Not luck." His eyes flashed again and a branch at the edge of the clearing fell and knocked one of the invisibly trussed up sell swords across the head, knocking him out.  
"The mystically direction changing arrows and spears? Again, not luck."  
More eyes widened in the group of men in front of him as arrows and spears rose into the air and planted themselves a mere hairsbreadth away from them, several of them uttering high pitched, girlish screams as some of the projectiles planted themselves in trees and trunks close enough to press against their faces.  
_

Arthur and the rest of the knights, namely Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and a new recruit called Gavin, stared on, stunned, as Merlin continued to rant at the men in front of him. He lectured them about how many creatures he had defeated and whether they really thought it was a good idea to try where so many had mysteriously failed. He managed to get the name of their employer(Morgana, as usual) by simply crouching down in front of one of the men and asking very politely.  
The man had simply frozen when Merlin stopped in front of him, like a deer frozen in headligh- an arrows path...? Either way, he had frozen and was clearly trying very hard to retain control of his bowel movements as he hastily said Morgana's name and told Merlin everything Morgana had told them with regards to her plans.  
Then Merlin went on to lecture them on how it was bad manners to kidnap people, especially when they were finally managing to sneak a nap, and how it was even worse to truss them up and leave them to the mercy of whatever moron decided to rant about their entire plan in front of them.  
_

Merlin paused to take a deep breath as he finished his rant on manners, and glared at the leader.  
"Now do you understand why I am annoyed!?"  
The man whimpered and nodded hastily.  
"And why am I annoyed?"  
"B-because we-we k-k-kidnapped you and... and r-ranted about our p-p-plans?"  
"Right. And?"  
"W-We... In-inter-r-rupted your n-nap?"  
"Very good. Now what do you say?"  
"S-s-s-sorry...?"  
"Sorry, I didn't catch that?"  
"S-sorry Mr M-Merlin S-s-sir..."  
"Good. You're learning. Now what are you going to do when I let you up?"  
This was to another of the men, and he yelped in terror as Merlin caught his eye, before quickly speaking up.  
"R-run away- I mean... I mean erm... T-take our l-l-leave and... and tell M-Morgana that w-we will n-never attack you or K-King Ar-Arthur again...?"  
"Very good. Now, what do you do when Morgana tries to terrify you?"  
"T-tell her that you're a damn-damn s-sight more ter-r-rifying...?"  
"Very good."  
Merlin gave another grin, this time aimed to terrify, and from the looks he got, he assumed it had worked.  
"Right, now I'm going to let you up, and you're going to pack up and leave. If you are still in this clearing within sixty seconds of me letting you up, I'm going to be rather pissed off. You really do not want to see me pissed off..." He gave another evil grin, and the men in front of him gulped, attempting to shuffle even further away.

Merlin released the spell holding them in place, and after thirty seconds of hasty running around and terrified yelps as Merlin smirked evilly at various sell swords, the clearing was left empty, the sounds of feet legging it as far away from the area as fast as they could finally draining away.

Merlin smirked to himself, then blinked and frowned again, turning to where he knew the others were.  
"Okay, you have all of ten seconds to get out of there you lazy, good-for-nothing stick wielding, useless, hair-brained excuses for human beings."  
The speed at which the knights tumbled out and stood to attention was almost comical, especially as Gwaine tripped over Percival and saluted from his tangled position on the floor.  
Arthur rolled his eyes at their antics, but even he gave Merlin a sheepish smile as he turned to face him.  
He was met with a stony expression, which, coupled with the crossed arms and tapping fingers, had him backing up in surrender.  
"Err... Hey Merlin... So... Err... How's it going...?"  
Merlin raised an eyebrow.  
"Oh, not bad. Just a usual day for me, unfortunately. You...?"  
Gwaine gulped as he slowly got to his feet and whispered to the others.  
"Wow... Merlin scary..."  
Elyan nodded as he gulped.  
"This why nobody dares to properly piss him off...?"  
Percival shrugged, and Gavin spoke up.  
"No, I think that's because everyone thinks he's too lovable..."  
Gwaine gulped again.  
"Wow... If he's that good an actor, imagine how easily he could take over the world..."  
"Ahem!?"  
They all snapped upright as Merlin gave them a half glare, and Gwaine shrugged sheepishly.  
"Hey Buddy... Heh heh..."  
"Morning Gwaine. Percy, Elyan, Gavin..."  
"Mornin'..."  
"Hey..."  
"Morning Merlin..."  
They breathed a collective sigh of relief as Merlin's gaze travelled back to Arthur and he began ranting about 'having to save the royal prats ass on a daily basis' and 'maybe he should try to return the favour sometime instead of leaving him to the mercies of a group of sell swords who were, clearly, nothing more than a bunch of bumbling morons'

Gwaine shuffled over Elyan and Gavin, knowing Percival could hear him.  
"I'll put ten silver on Leon being the first to get a proper lecture."  
"I'll take that bet." Gavin muttered. "And fifteen on it being you, Gwaine."  
Gwaine blinked.  
"What!? I'm his best friend! He wouldn't-"  
"AND YOU, GWAINE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! I know it was you with the water trough the other day!"  
Gwaine leapt into the air with a girlish squeal, and Gavin grinned smugly.  
"Told you so. Hang on, anyone want to mention the laws against magic?"  
They all shared looks, then glanced to the, sufficiently cowed, King.  
Percival shook his head.  
"Nope."  
"Didn't think so..."

* * *

**Okay, I know it's not the best ending, but I'm running out of non-cliche ending scenes and stuff.**  
**Anyways, what did you guys think? Not my best fic, and by no means my longest, but it was fun to write, and even more fun to picture the entire thing whilst doing so, Lol :D**  
**This the kind of thing you had in mine vh?**  
**So... Hope you all enjoyed, and please review to let me know what you think!**

**Till next time!**

**Raven xx**


End file.
